Another Installment of Diane Verenburg Reads US Weekly with You

Because I still miss Pat Kiernan reading me the news on NY1. Here's the issue we're reading:

Good for you, "Derick & Jill", whoever you are!

For starters, I picked this issue because, what the fuck, US Weekly? Who cares about the Duggars? Follow up question: who are the Duggars? And before we say something like, "People would never do this", hold the fuck on, because, they're no better.

Anyway, I can't stay mad at US Weekly, because I love it. For shit like this:

8%? Burn!

I bet Anna Wintour had an intern made into a skin-coat for this. Side note: that dress on the bottom right looks like something I saw in Fashion Barn in the early 90's, and in case there was any confusion, I don't mean that in a good way.

On page 8, Jennie Garth got engaged, and instead of making that the story, classy US Weekly's headline was, "Piggyback Proposals". The article was about how Jennie Garth got engaged a month after her ex, Peter Facinelli did. Way to ruin the engagement for her. Can you imagine her being so excited to get engaged and then having to read in US Weekly how she'll forever be tied to her ex, no matter what she does? "Jennie Garth's Grandmother in Hospital! Ex Peter Facinelli's Grandmother Doing Great, Still Golfing"

Page 10: What's In My Bag? Carole Radziwill, 51, empties her purse.
Carole who? Can anyone be a celebrity now? Anyway, Carole carries around her roll-on Egyptian musk perfume. She bought it from a subway vendor. I can smell Carole from here, and there aren't enough windows I can open.

Page 13:
Kevin Bacon's American Egg Board campaign is a new low for Kevin Bacon. Why couldn't you just quit after Footloose, Kevin? Let Keira handle the bills, you just dance. Just dance.

Page 14: LOOSE TALK!
"You have to bargain with her -- before you change her diaper, she needs a pair of shoes on." On 22-month old North's fashion obsession. Kim Kardashian
How unbearable is this kid gonna be?

Page 18: Kendal Jenner at Coachella
This is a sneak peak at what North will be like. Spoiler alert: gross

Page 19:
Bella Thorne (yeah, I don't know who she is either) is also at Coachella, and she's eating 1/6 of a watermelon with a plastic fork. Like literally, a giant sixth of a watermelon, with the shell on and everything. Just holding it in her hand like it's a cup of froyo. Stars are not just like US.

Page 29, this happened:

Psst...know what you're not wearing? Pants!

Page 35: Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone - "Their Shocking Split!" Shocking to whom? Blind people? I'm sorry for being horrible shallow, but Emma Stone is a stone cold fox and Andrew Garfield weighs less than me. 

Page 39: Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau are still together. They have two daughters, who are 16 and 17. You know how it's hard to teach your kids certain things and not sound like a hypocrite? It's one thing to be like, "don't drink beer before you're 21. I did, and I regret it." and another to be like, "Don't have sex with your teacher when you're 13. Also, don't rape a 13-year old when you're his 35-year old teacher, mmkay?"

Pages 42-47 are dedicated to the motherfucking Duggars. That's six pages! Here's what I learned about these incredibly boring people: 

• They put together an inspiration board full of bible verses on 3x5 cards for the delivery. Unless Jesus said, "Get thee an epidural", I doubt this helped much. 
• The baby's name is Israel. In one of the photos, Derick is wearing a t-shirt that says, "Israel Defense Forces". Get it? Me neither. 
• Derick had to learn to suppress his urge to crack jokes. "When I'm nervous, I'll try to be humorous, but that doesn't work out for Jill." Something tells me Derick is not hilarious at all. 

Pages 50-51: Kim & Khloe explore their roots. 

I'm so, so sorry Armenia. First, the genocide, and now the Kardashians. All of America apologizes.

Until next time!